Review of Women Who Love Men Who Kill - Part 2

Women Who Love Men Who Kill
By Sheila Isenberg

Part 2

Part 1 explored what the attraction is and how the women justify their involvement. We now turn our attention as to why they are attracted to this type of person. The author gives her view and also quotes a number of relationship therapists, psychologist and psychiatrists. Here are some points about the relationship.
  1. The women are damaged, physically, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually and this relationship meets a deep need.
  2. The majority of the women were abused at some point in time and in some cases severely.
  3. There is something captivating about being in love with a murderer.
  4. This is not true love, that of companionship and sacrifice but one of romantic love where the ideal is pursued and never has to meet reality.
  5. This relationship gives the women some sense of fame and notoriety. If it weren’t for the murderer they would be a nobody. At least now they have people calling for interviews.
  6. It gives them a sense of purpose. Someone else is relying on them for comfort, money and hope.
  7. The convict is the perfect fantasy man – macho, strong willed, etc but with a soft spot for the woman.
  8. There is forced bonding – “ Us against the world”
  9. The women don’t have to deal with the down sides of a relationship: cheating, stealing, physical abuse, cleaning up after the man, etc
  10. The murderer is on his best behavior because he knows he wants her to come back. But ‘best behavior’ means charming, manipulative, flattering, etc, not honest and decent.
  11. The prison officials see right through these guys and call them consummate con men.
  12. The woman is in control of the relationship. “‘I will make it perfect. I will fall in love with a man who can’t drink and can’t beat me. He’ll always be there for me because he really needs me’.  The love affair takes place behind prison walls and the man she loves has omitted murder, but he’s under her control” (pg 172).
  13. The women are addicted to the drama that surrounds loving a murderer. Will I get to see him this week? Did he get beat up? How am I going to get the money he wants? My relatives don’t understand!
  14. In most cases there is no sex involved and that keeps things ‘safe’. In rare cases the women have sex secretly in closets or under the eye of prison guards with several having children.

So, what do the convicts get?
1.      Hope. Someone is on the outside that is trying to win their release. All it takes is one liberal judge to overturn a ruling or throw out evidence.
2.      A steady supply of money or cigarettes or books or whatever.
3.      A steady companion. Prison time is boring and having someone come visit one or twice a week can be a highlight of their day.
4.      For some murderers, someone who believes in them and wants to believe the best of them.
5.      For many, a person to con and control. They can’t control anyone on the outside so they now have someone to manipulate that comes to visit them.

From the book “ As it was between medieval maidens and the courtly knights who protected them, sex and true intimacy between women and the killers they love is usually forbidden by prison systems. These women feel deeply, but what they feel is not mature love or adult sexual passion. It is romantic passion- a passion fueled by deprivation and suffering, enhanced by anguish. These women have found the key to never-ending romance: suffering and pain.
            Because many women who love killers have real difficulties with intimacy because of the damage done to them in childhood, they have chosen to live a fantasy. The majority of these women don’t love real men but an illusion that is based on denial.  Each woman separates, or compartmentalizes, the murder from the man she loves.  She denies his crime.
            For women who love serial killers, or other notorious murderers, there is the added thrill of fame.  Each serial killer’s status gives a woman with low self-esteem a sense of importance; her prestige rises in direct proportion with the heinousness of his crimes.”

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