Review of If I Am Missing or Dead

If I am Missing or Dead

By Janine Latus

307 Pages; 2007

My first impression of the book is – good story, bad writing. The author of the book, a writer and teacher, doesn't use quotes and her styles simply isn’t for my tastes; however, the book is easy to read and examines a relationship that slowly spirals downward with all the classic elements of an abusive relationship.

The book, like many biographies starts at childhood and expands from the there. The author is one of 5 children of a traditional family unit of two parents where the mother is a stay at home mom until the author is 12 before she gets a job outside the house.  As the book moves along the author recounts important events in her life until her meeting of her abusive husband and the majority of the book is about her. This is rather odd since the title of the book refers to a note that Amy ( her murdered sister )  left regarding an abusive relationship she was in and it isn't until page 253 when Amy goes missing . The author recounts snippets of conversation with Amy about her life and times but the majority of the book is about the authors abusive relationship.  There are a lot of “learning points” in this book but I wish the author had explored her own underlying  motivations and psychological underpinnings for the dynamics of the relationship and more of how Amy’s relationship ended up in tragedy.

The one thing the author does not touch on is her fathers aberrant behavior. Although never abusive, her father’s actions and behavior are unseemly, inappropriate and flat out creepy. It’s the type of behavior that if a strange man said it to your daughter, you’d want to smack him upside the head. The father has controlling tendencies and the marriage ends up in fights and divorce where the mother remarries a wonderful person that the children really seem to like. The dad stays the irritating jerk throughout the book and life.  One of the earliest signs of the dynamic between the father and the mother is when she gets her first job outside the house, she breaks out in hives because of nerves in fear of telling him (pg 6). The father is constantly criticizing and belittling and she writes “ Now, he disgusts me, still pulling me onto his lap, still squeezing my pimples, still insisting on kissing me on the lips. He tickles me until I cry and pits the siblings against each other, egging us on to do the same. I dread my birthdays, when he lays me over his knees and paddles me once for every year of age and one more – much harder – to grow on, followed by a pinch to grow an inch. He does it in front of my aunts and uncles and cousins who laugh nervously.” (pg 9).  Or “ On bridge club nights Dad hugs my mom’s friends, his hands sliding down to their backsides. In party pictures his arms are draped around women, his palms hovering over their breasts.”(pg 32).

At the age of 12 she is was assaulted by a the father of a girl she babysat but he was unsuccessful in his attempt to perpetrate the sexual assault. When she told her parents her father’s comment was “ If you tell anyone what  happened you’ll be known as a slut.”

The dynamic between them takes their toll on her as shown by some of her comments. “ At night I ask my mother , Do you love me? Do you love me do you love do you love me? Please say you love me, even though I don’t deserve to be loved.” (pg 35)

At 18 she loses her virginity to a young man and states “ He says it’s because I am incredible, amazing, but I think it’s because I give him sex. I will think that and think that and think that. With man after man. I will think that each wants me only for sex, that sex is what I have to offer.” (pg 34).

At 13 she is assaulted by a friends son and afterward she says “ “ And she’s right. I’m gross.”(pg 26)

She quickly becomes independent, even as a high schooler moving into her own apartment, working jobs, going to bars with friends. She is raped by a man she made brief contact with a bar. (pg 47)

After graduating school she develops a relationship with Michael who turns abusive.  During one violent encounter she calls Kurt, a friend and resident at a local hospital. She develops a long term relationship and eventual marriage to Kurt. Who turns out to be a long term abuser to her.  Chapters 8 through 22 chart the authors tumultuous relationship with Kurt, the divorce of her parents, the remarriage of her mother, the estrangement of her father and her interactions with Amy, her sister. This part of the book is a good case study for how an abusive relationship develops and devolves.   For the sake of time I won’t go into example of each but the book demonstrates physical abuse, emotional abuse, controlling behavior and sexual abuse.  She truly suffers from low self esteem when even after he blows up at her, yells at her she says “ He tries to do special things for me and I screw them up.”(pg 175)

Toward the end of the book right around the time her sister Amy disappears she is divorcing Kurt and moving on with her life. She finds herself more self reliant and able to handle her life just find without him although she goes through normal periods of loneliness.

Chapters 23 to the end of the book deal with the family's initial search for Amy and the discovery of her body and their dealings with her death. Amy was involved with an long time criminal and abuser named Ron Ball who strangled her.  The ending chapters do not go into great detail about her life with Ron Ball although there are journal entry’s that highlights events she felt was important.

This doesn’t read much like an Ann Rule novel but overall, the book was good and well worth a read if you like first person biographies about difficult subjects.  And excellent for educating someone who isn’t knowledgeable about the impact domestic violence has on a person.