Review of Not to People Like Us

Not To People Like Us by Susan Weitzman, PhD

(290 pages, copyright 2000 )

Although somewhat dated, this book provide a glimpse into the unaddressed segment of domestic abuse in upscale marriages.  In her research the author found rather little research into domestic abuse among women with higher education, wealthy backgrounds and high society circles and decided to tackle the issue. Her pool of people included at least 3 criteria – Income of 100,000 a year, residence in an upscale ranked neighborhood, a self-perception of upper  or upper-middle class and a minimum of a bachelors degree.  Several of the women she interviewed for her research were PhDs, a therapist and physician all who were acquainted with either domestic violence issues or human personality traits that would help them to understand themselves and find motivation and understanding.  Some observations and highlights from the book:

-Abusers in upscale marriages exhibit the same kind of traits as any abuser, ones of power and control.

-Victims can feel more isolated because it doesn’t happen “ not to people like us.”  Victims reported there really wasn’t opportunities to bond, share and discuss with other women at social events or gatherings.

-Those who came in contact with victims (like physicians) were less likely to ask the question about abuse since they didn’t suspect it could happen to people like them.

-On page 71, the author states “ Baily chose to ignore hundreds of signs that appeared as early as a first encounter and as late as the honeymoon. Women like Bailey turn off their antennae and proceed headlong into relationships. In hindsight they understand the cost of ignoring their intuition , for once abusive behaviors begin they only escalate. Those early warning signs are crucial for identifying and preventing upscale violence. They arise in the initial phase of the relationship and continue throughout courtship, engagement and early marriage. The women in my study recognized nagging feelings of discomfort and unease. They started to see signs that the coach in which they were being transported was really a pumpkin. But because the rest of the package looked so enticing, they wanted to find reasons to believe that what was “ too good to be true” was real.
She goes on to list very concrete examples of behaviors the husbands did to demonstrate abusiveness in her study.

-Some of the professionals involved downplayed the abuse “ Sally told the doctor about Ray’s behavior and even showed him an enormous bruise that her husband had inflicted, but the psychiatrist merely chalked it up to her inability to have a satisfying life. (pg 82)

-Family members downplayed the abuse by offering observations that the victims was lucky to be in such a wealthy marriage or “ Her mother only added to Sally’s shame. She called that afternoon to ask Sally what she had done to cause Ray’s temper to flare”(pg 83).

 -No matter what the abuser SAYS is the issue at hand it is not the really the trigger point. " She had thrown Ray a wonderful surprise birthday party during their fifteenth year of their marriage, with marvelous food and with all their friends in attendance. She had baked for days. At the end of the party she offered their friends leftovers to take with them. When Ray learned that Sally had given away the rest of his favorite cake, he hurled a table at her followed by a tirade directly into her ear. "  She clearly demonstrates love, care, concern and desire to please. The give away cake was easily replaceable and if he had asked, she probably would have baked him another that night. So why was the cake so important? It wasn't.In the end there is nothing an abuse victim can do, to '"be right".  It's not the cake or the bills or condition of the house or the laundry or the cooked meal. In this story Ray would have found something, anything, to justify in his mind his lashing and striking out as abusers do.

Upscale victims are sometimes faced with reverse discrimination where they are judged by their appearance and situation not by their need. “The hotline volunteers put me off when they learned of my resources”(pg 32) and Ellen’ case “ It was an extremely cold winter day. Most of the other women there looked poor and in need of warm clothes. Everybody looked at me. Some angrily. I was wearing my fur coat because it had been so bitterly cold. I was awkwardly conspicuous and keenly aware of these other women’s material needs as opposed to mine. And yet, my eye was just as blackened as the women standing next to me , waiting her turn to be called.”

The book was a good read and worthy of adding into any collection. The author also gets into some psychological analysis of the men, how it affects the children, how to start getting help and healing and how they got into the mess in the first place. In the end, the message is money, power and prestige does nothing to protect against broken bones and a broken heart.